I was agnostic, but I was never an atheist

20 Apr, 2026

I remember one time, at the age of 7 I was playing outside in the basketball courtyard after school. It was a nice day, nice weather and not too hot.

The question of God always lingered in my mind. I was angry at God and the World at 7, I was angry that I was told He did and then that He didn't exist.

I saw how the World was such a harsh place as a child and it disillusioned me.

So I doubted Him. In my questioning I asked in my head "God, if you exist... show yourself" and right at that moment I decided to lie down and look at the clouds as it was quite a cloudy day.

I still don't know why I decided to lie down just at that moment.

I was never made to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy, or any fairy tale, but then the question came of why some people believed He existed, and some didn't?

Anyway, the first thing I saw is those clouds took the shape of the face of an old man. But although not a heavily bearded man, it was an old man for sure.

It scared me so bad that I got up and screamed, and I never questioned God's existence again. I got up and just started running.

And looking back, now I know that the face was probably Not God, as per the Bible, you can't "see" God's face and live.

But it did cement it for me. He definitely existed.

God exists because the message was sent at the right moment and quite clearly given to 7 year old me.

But I had no guidance to walk the right path growing up, of course I was not raised wrong, I was still taught biblical morals, but I was raised with the guidance of the world.

That night I mentally decided to never ask again and I pushed away all of my thoughts of God down. I decided not to question anything else.

And so for years I didn't ask anything else about religion or about God. I found believers to be quite odd, yet joyful. The thought of believing was uncomfortable, it meant giving up the world.

But I didn't have a firm religion guiding me growing up, and we didn't go to Church. We were simply Catholic but not serious Catholics. All of this led me to simply exist in this state of paused belief. I pushed away all thoughts of religion. I focused on the world and wordly pursuits.

My parent's couldn't answer my questions when few would pop up in my head, they didn't know much themselves. They believed, but they were not practicing Catholics.

So I didn't question God out of mostly fear and shame all of those years after.

Through Tarot cards, reading shells, worldly pursuits of minor God's and superstitions I filled that void inside of me in my late teens and early 20s.

But I know now what I didn't know then, that it opens the door to more wordly and often times bad things.

So I stopped, I began questioning why I couldn't fill that void in my heart that longed for something that the world could not fill. I felt conflicted, isolated, and in disagreement with myself.

I had no experience beyond some weird coincidences in my life as well as scary mishaps. But I was unknowledgeable, and I followed the world because of it.

Still now, I know that He indeed does exist. And I don't doubt that other God's do exist as well, just that we are meant to follow Him, not Zeus, not Odin.

Really, the Bible doesn't deny the existence of other God's, it simply says to only follow and trust in our one God.

But it makes me wonder, was I supposed to go through all of this questioning and internal suffering to come to the right conclusion?

I assume that that's the case, since I had no straight-forward upbringing to lead me there, I had to be taught through trial and error. Through my own mistakes and what those mistakes led to.

But if it wasn't that way, if I had no free will in my decision, then I wouldn't have had a choice.

So you either choose God or the world, and we all have our path to Him.

but my personal life experiences had led me down the path of choosing to follow God.

As C.S Lewis succinctly puts it in The Case for Christianity :

#Christianity