I'm not a victim, but I am a black sheep
All my life I have been generally unliked because I asked questions in a rapidly changing world. My upbringing was different from the rest, and it led to me being ostracized when those differences showed in a class setting with other children.
I didn't follow crowds, I didn't care about the mainstream shows as a child and young adult, and the people that stuck by me were usually more reserved, but similar to me.
Those that appreciated that I was bold enough to say out loud the things that didn't make sense, despite the pushback that I had received were considered good friends. And I only had one or two similar to me.
But nothing that I asked was egregious enough to warrant the reactions that I had received as a child in the first place.
Teachers would villainize an 8 year old for asking why something in the narrative being taught didn't make any sense.
And it was painful as a small child knowing that I wasn't well liked by even the adults meant to protect me, and having to go to school with this knowledge was difficult.
So I was cast out as the odd one, the other, the crazy weird girl in school, even by the teachers who would find joy in calling me out in class. Of calling my parents to tell them that I was insubordinate and a trouble maker for questioning what they taught.
I could tell as we all can, when a teacher didn't like me personally.
It was always the targeted attacks. The slighted sayings against my character to make the class laugh. Everything that, when used in a group setting is meant to alter your behavior to match the crowds.
And I knew this, I knew what was occurring and that it was meant to change me.
But the character alteration succeeded only when I fell into the loop of social media when I was 18.
I don't know what it was, but something about how instagram worked, and the combination of birth control as a young woman ruined my rational thinking brain. I was overly emotional for a brief part of my life. Overly compassionate to the wrong crowd. I lost myself in a world that hated me from the start.
ON birth-control, I felt utterly depressed. Like I could not feel joy, or happiness, but I knew that I was supposed to. And yet The world was grey. The constant stream of propaganda was altering my worldview, and the hormonal pill was nailing those thoughts into my psyche.
My original self came back when I got off of birth control, among other things.
I was sick mentally and physically. It was seemingly by design. But what do I know.
Later on in my last years of school I mostly kept to myself, the disapproval believe it or not had led to me submitting in a way, the attacks to my character made me briefly keep my questioning to myself.
I was considered hyperactive, disobedient, and a nuisance my whole life. But I know now that I am not and was not defective. That the world might have consumed me briefly but it did not break me.
That I don't have ADHD, or OCD. I refuse to categorize myself and consider myself defective.
I don't have any pathological disorder, I function just fine on my own, my life is normal, but my thinking is too loud and in the face of many.
And so I distrust therapists that pathologize me, I distrust doctors that tell me it's in my head.
I'm not the problem, my family is not the problem, my culture is not the problem.
The problem is others that insist that my worldview is wrong, that my worldview is backwards.
When the only thing that has changed was everyone else's worldview in the last 15-20 years, mine is unchanging. Unwavering and unapologetic.
But really, I'm just not trying to fit into the nice mold that I was supposed to fit into from the start, the one that means you're not supposed to question anything and to confirm.
And it means that I am labeled everything that is unpleasant.
While simultaneously labeled the victim. But I don't label myself anything. Funny that the ones that claim that you label yourself a victim label everyone else a victim to put them in high esteem and status.
Because this is the world we live in right now, those that are victims are the ones with must status and voice right? And that must mean that I am labeling myself one in order to receive status.
That's wrong. And it shows just where your thinking is. I'm not a victim, but you're a hypocrite for assuming that I want to be.
I know that I am not a victim of my own thoughts, or even of the world. I am simply in disagreement with it.
I am simply in disagreement with everything the world offers as good.